Our First Child

The first post feels like such a long time ago. I was debating removing it, but decided to keep posted, as this page originally started out as a blog to follow us on our pregnancy journey, with our Rainbow baby.

So much has changed since that day in March.

Most of our story started in July of 2008. My husband of almost 2 years at that time and I decided we wanted to start our family. I saw my first positive pregnancy test on October 15th, 2008. We were thrilled, and it only took us 3 months of trying. Our due date was June 18th, a perfect time of year to be off for 3 months with a brand new baby.

My morning sickness didn't kick in until I was about 6 weeks along, and I was miserable! I couldn't eat anything and was always on the verge of being sick. At around 9 weeks, the sickness subsided significantly. I remembered emailing friends worried that it may be too soon for morning sickness to subside, and think something might be wrong. I wasn't cramping or bleeding, so I knew i wasn't having a misscarriage, so just figured I was lucky and my morning sickness just wasn't as bad as most.

We had our 11 week appointment on November 25th. I went alone, so my husband did not have to take off of work and I was told there wouldn't be an ultrasound, so really did not think it mattered if he made it or not.

As i sat in the room, a thought crossed my mind, what if something were wrong and my husband isn't here... what would i do.

A few moments later, the doctor came in and attempted to hear the baby's heart with the doppler, and just couldn't seem to locate it. She then asked if I wanted an ultrasound, I was definetly okay with it, but just wished Christopher could have been there to see our baby for the first time.

I remember looking at the screen and seeing our tiny little baby. Our baby was measuring only 9 weeks, which was way behind where we should have been, but worse than that, the doctor could not detect the heart beat.

She told me, that it could be their ultrasound machine, being poor, or that I had misscarried. She wrote up an order for me to get an better ultrasound in Radiology that day.

I called my husband and he left work. We waiting in the waiting room for almost 3 hours. I just remained hopeful, that all was well with our baby, and that it was a mistake.

We went through with the ultrasound, and while we waited until later that evening to get the results I knew things weren't right. The doppler did not show any flow to the baby. The doctor confirmed my greatest fear that evening, that our baby had died a couple of weeks ago. We had what was called a missed misscarriage. My body did not recognize that the baby was gone. Our hearts were broken, all of our hopes and dreams came crashing down, time seemed to stand still.

We decided to proceed with a D&C for the following day, as thanksgiving was just 2 days away. I never regret having the D&C as it helped my husband and I start to move on, and become hopeful for our future. We know that this wasn't the baby that God wanted us to have, and that something must have been really wrong with the baby.

We named this baby Christian, as it is the root of both of our names. Have planted a tree in our front yard on Christian's due date June 18th, and have a pearl necklace I wear on occasion, which is our baby's birthstone.