Today, I gave in to my grief and didn't go to work. I couldn't seem to get myself together inside and out this morning. Being at home near her is what I needed at this moment, so I gave in. I just don't have it in me to mask my feelings of missing my baby girl.
I know I have come such a long way this past year, because I can think about Faith without crying, and I don't feel guilty if I leave her necklace at home, but that is not the case this week. As Faith's 1 year "angel-versary" approaches, I've been spending a lot of time breaking down what was happening to us, day by day last year.
Today I am 22w5d pregnant. It was this day in my pregnancy, last July 21st, when we drove to the hospital knowing those were our final moments with her, and we would soon be saying goodbye. I remember I continued to pray for a miracle up until the moment we arrived to the hospital, and I'd rub my belly over and over on the drive trying desperately to hang on to those moments with her. I find it incredible how even 1 year later, I clearly remember exactly how I was feeling, and what I was thinking during our last days together.
I really wanted July 22nd to be a celebration of the day she became an angel instead of another grief milestone, but this morning I came to the realization that I cannot be joyous in her being an angel without missing my little girl, and wishing things could be different. She is always with us in our hearts and watching from above, but I'd still rather she be in my arms!
Monday, July 18, 2011
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2 comments:
You are right - it is impossible to separate the joy at having our angels in our life from the grief that comes in missing them. Thinking of you as this huge milestone approaches. I will tell you that the days leading up to Madelyn's first birthday were much worse than the day itself. (((hugs)))
Happy Birthday Faith ♥ Thinking of you today
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