Autumn has approached and with this, Faith's due date gets closer and closer. This time of year is usually my favorite. It always reminds me to slow down and enjoy every moment. Enjoy every last bit of warmth of the sun on my skin, the shades of green in the trees and grass, because very soon the days will become shorter, the ground will be draped with snow, the trees will appear dull and lifeless, and clouds will overcast the sky. I always enjoy watching the trees change color and the feel of the chilly air in the evenings, but this time of year is always too short.
This year, this autumn feels different than most, this is the season she was supposed to be born. This year the cool air on my skin reminds me that Faith never felt this. She never felt it, and will never feel a gentle breeze on her face, or warmth of the sun on her skin. She never saw the beauty of a cloudless sky, the glow of the sun during a sunset or sunrise, or her heavy breath on a cold night.
This small breeze of cool air on my skin causes my mind to wander to not only to the things she will never experience, but to the things we will never get to experience with her. We will never get to see her smile, hear her giggle, or wipe away her tears and make it all better. I will never get to see her snuggle on her daddy's lap, or reach out to hold his hand. Faith will forever be our little baby girl and we will never get to see her grow into a little lady. Our time with her, just like this season, will always be too short.
It has been 2 months today since Faith's birth and our goodbye, another "milestone" day. I've noticed the pain of her loss is most raw during the "milestone" days, but everyday I'm faced with emotional triggers. It could be a song, a word, a glance by someone who knows, a pregnant lady or a newborn. The triggers are always different, and don't always affect me in the same way. They always catch me off guard, and this gentle autumn breeze is no exception.
1 comments:
(((hugs)))
I went through this very thing last autumn. To be truthful, I never even realized it had happened until I "woke up" one day and realized the trees were covered with autumn leaves. Changing seasons is really, really hard. Even a year later, it remains a trigger.
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